When Faith Hurts

When Faith Hurts: Growing Up in a High-Control Religious Environment

I grew up in a world shaped by strict rules and expectations. My sister and I were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses, though our parents weren’t part of the religion. Despite this difference, my parents were loving and supportive, encouraging us in our beliefs even when it was painful for them to watch. My mother, in particular, often stayed silent, though I could see the hurt in her eyes when our faith caused us to suffer.

Living under the weight of these beliefs was challenging. As a teenager, I made choices that, by most standards, would seem ordinary. I went to a club. I kissed a boy. But in the world I knew, these actions were more than just harmless exploration—they were considered serious transgressions. The guilt was overwhelming. I was taught that my worth was tied to my behavior, and when I fell short, I believed I was unworthy of love and forgiveness.

At 16, I reached a breaking point. I was consumed by the belief that I had failed—not just myself, but God. The despair was suffocating, rooted in the fear that I could never be redeemed. It wasn’t just about the rules I had broken; it was the internalised shame and the feeling that my mistakes defined my entire worth.

This emotional turmoil also triggered painful memories of childhood trauma, experiences I had long tried to forget. Carrying the weight of both my past and my religious guilt became too much. I felt trapped in a cycle of shame that seemed impossible to escape.

High-control religious environments often create this kind of pain. They promise love, community, and purpose, but for many, they instill fear, guilt, and a sense of never being good enough. The constant pressure to be perfect, to meet impossible standards, can take a heavy toll.

But despite the pain, I’m still here. Healing has been a long, difficult process, and it’s far from over. Yet I’ve come to understand that my worth isn’t determined by any external system of rules. I’ve learned that mistakes don’t make me unworthy and that love isn’t something I need to earn.

Living Under the Microscope: The Jehovah’s Witness Experience

Jehovah's Witnesses are known for their strict adherence to biblical teachings as interpreted by the Governing Body, a group of men who lead the organisation. The faith emphasizes separation from “worldly” influences, loyalty to the organisation, and obedience to its rules. Key practices include:

Disfellowshipping (Excommunication): Those who violate the rules or question the faith risk being disfellowshipped, leading to shunning by family and friends.

Avoidance of "Worldly" Influences: Jehovah’s Witnesses are discouraged from celebrating holidays, participating in extracurricular activities, or pursuing higher education.

Strict Moral Standards: Strict rules govern behaviour, including dress, speech, and associations.

Apocalyptic Beliefs: Members are taught that Armageddon is imminent, instilling a fear of being unworthy or left behind.

While these practices are intended to maintain spiritual purity, they can have unintended psychological consequences, particularly for children.

Psychological Impact of Strict Religious Upbringing

1. Fear-Based Conditioning

From a young age, children in strict religious settings are taught about eternal consequences—either salvation or destruction. For Jehovah’s Witnesses, the constant focus on Armageddon and the need to prove loyalty can create chronic anxiety. Many grow up fearing divine punishment or abandonment by their community.

2. Suppressed Individuality

Children are often discouraged from exploring their own identities or expressing dissent. They may feel trapped in roles dictated by the religion, unable to pursue their own dreams or question doctrines.

3. Loss of Autonomy

Strict control over everyday life—down to how one dresses or what one studies—can result in a lack of agency. This often leaves individuals ill-equipped to make independent decisions later in life.

4. Shame and Guilt

Rigid moral codes can instill an overwhelming sense of guilt for natural behaviours or thoughts. For instance, questioning authority or engaging in “worldly” activities can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-condemnation.

5. Alienation from Society

The insular nature of groups like Jehovah’s Witnesses often isolates members from broader society. This makes it difficult for individuals to build external support systems, leaving them vulnerable when they eventually leave the faith.

The Trauma of Leaving

Leaving a high-control religious group like Jehovah’s Witnesses can be as traumatic as staying. Disfellowshipped individuals often face shunning, losing their entire support network. This social ostracism can lead to:

Depression and Loneliness: Losing contact with loved ones can be devastating.

Identity Crisis: Former members must rebuild their sense of self outside the context of the religion.

Struggles with Trust: High-control environments often instill distrust of outsiders, making it difficult to form new relationships.

Healing and Moving Forward

Recovering from the trauma of a strict religious upbringing is possible, but it requires time, effort, and support. Here are some steps to healing:

1. Seek Therapy

A therapist with experience in religious trauma can help unravel deeply ingrained beliefs and address feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety.

2. Connect with Support Groups

Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses and other religious trauma survivors often form online and in-person communities to share experiences and provide mutual support.

3. Rediscover Identity

Explore new hobbies, education, and friendships to rebuild a sense of self.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness and meditation can help individuals reconnect with their inner selves and process difficult emotions.

5. Educate Yourself

Learning about other belief systems—or none at all—can help former members gain perspective and make informed choices about their spirituality.

A Path to Freedom

The journey out of a strict religious upbringing can be painful, but it is also liberating. It’s a chance to reclaim autonomy, embrace individuality, and build a life rooted in authenticity rather than fear.

If you’ve experienced similar struggles, know this: You are not alone. The trauma you’ve endured is real, and your pain is valid. But so is your strength. You have the power to heal, to reclaim your sense of self, and to find peace beyond the confines of the beliefs that hurt you.

High-control religions may take much, but they don’t have to take everything. You are enough, exactly as you are. You belong in this world, and your journey toward healing is yours to own.